Life Lessons

“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”


I was thinking of ways to contribute to the Blogger community and I finally got it. It took a lot of research (and internet browsing) to get this next little thing going. I have a few "LIFE LESSONS" to make you smile and ponder, but most importantly… make you a wiser person . Here we go:




I hope you learn something from this.

Enjoy

Anonymous

End of the World

"Life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours."


Every few years or decades, some A-hole comes up with a new theory about THE END OF THE WORLD.
There are books, magazines, internet articles with a Zillion (yup, I said Zillion) statements swearing that the world is going to end on a specific time. How the hell do they know this???
First it was the year 2000, where the planets were going to align and cause some type of catastrophe. Then it was the asteroids that were going to have an effect of atomic bombs. Then it was the aliens who were going to finally come down from another galaxy and make us sex slaves. Want more??? Because I’m going to list as many as I can. Then there was Nostradamus who predicted that a giant dildo would make women infertile… Ok, I went too far.

Here are a few of the latest theories:

Mayan Calendar: The Mayas predicted the end of the world to be on December 21, 2012. They were good with numbers and astronomy, BUT if they could predict the future… would they have died out as a civilization??? don’t you think they would have seen that one coming???

The Atom Smasher: Europeans have been building a Particle Accelerator. This thing is like a giant bomb, if it goes wrong, and is supposed to be tried on the year 2012 (how original). This one does scare the living piss out of me, because we know how messed up our experiments can go. I'm glad ex-president Bush didn't get his hands on that thing.

The Bible: Interpretations of the Christian Bible reveal that the date for Armageddon, the final battle between Good an Evil, has been set down for 2012. YUP here is the Bible again. God is just waiting for the year 2012 to start kicking ass; until then, Satan is just working out and pumping Iron at the gym.

Super Volcano: Yellowstone National Park in the US has a big volcano that supposedly explodes every 650,000 years. The pressure under the Yellowstone is building steadily, and geologists have set 2012 as a likely date for the big bang. Yeah, that’s gonna happen. Australians, beware of the volcano in the US, cuz its coming to get you.

The Physicists: Physicists at Berekely University have been crunching the numbers. and they've determined that the Earth is well overdue for a major catastrophic event. While also saying their prediction comes with a certainty of 99 percent- and 2012 just happens to be the best guess as to when it occurs. This proves that even PHYSICISTS smoke a lot of weed. They should film them while they’re coming up with these theories… I bet they’re smoking something.

Like I said before, these are just SOME of the many theories. I bet after the year 2012, we will be hearing of new dates. I guess there’s always going to be someone with a lot of time in their hands, and willing to scare the crap out of the rest. Do I believe any of it??? HELL NAH!!! But if I had to pick one theory, I’m gonna go with the theory of Nostradamus and the giant dildo… it just makes more sense in my head. Hahaha.


Enjoy

Anonymous

What Men Want

"If it can't be fixed by duct tape or WD-40... it's a female problem."



Every now and then I get asked "What do men want?." Today seemed like a good day to answer the never ending question! so ladies, grab some pen and paper and take notes...hahaha.

The problem is not the fact that you dont find the answer; the problem is that WOMEN look on the wrong places. ALL books and magazines which talk about what men want, are written by women. You havent realized that yet???
Men are the simplest of beings. Our brains are not made to have us express ourselves in any other way which is not A SIMPLE WAY. We don't say "I was hinting you that" or "but I thought you would realize it" we tell you straight forward. If we are hungry, we say we are hungry; if we are mad, you know we are mad...PERIOD.

But what do men want??? here we go. Men want 3 simple things. Great sex, good food, and some space. Yup, STOP BUYING A MILLION MAGAZINES, there are no more secrets to look up, and there is no harder science to it.

Great sex- Did I already say we are simple minded? YES. Give your man a lot of sex( Just the 2 of you, I don’t believe in 3-somes and other things). Men love sex, and you will always keep him happy if you give him enough of it. However, if he is pressuring you into a 3-some or some type of orgy, leave him because he doesn't love you. NO LOVING MAN WANTS TO SHARE HIS WOMAN WITH ANYONE.

Good food- Have you ever seen an angry man right after he had a good meal? NO. In prison, before they send a man to the electric chair, what do they give him? ANYTHING HE WANTS TO EAT. Food is our delight... we love eating. Women always want guys to take them to dinner; try taking him to a good steakhouse for once. Surprise him with a good meal and you will see some joy and gratitude. If you're broke, get him some nachos...THE END.

Space- We need our space. Just because we need space doesn't mean that we don't love you. This is one of the big problems women have with men. Space doesn't mean we are going to automatically cheat. We need some time to get off the stress.

THE BIG NO NO: You just had sex with your man, and he is happy just staring at the ceiling; what do you do? you ask him "what are you thinking???" HE IS NOT THINKING ANYTHING. THERE IS NO BLOOD IN OUR BRAINS AT THAT MOMENT, SO STOP ASKING. We are so calm and relaxed at that moment, please don’t kill the moment.

It is as simple as that, I know there are other topics like CHEATING MEN, but they should be treated as OTHER TOPICS. Today's topic was WHAT MEN WANT, and that is all a man wants.
In the words of the great Chriss Rock... Feed me, Fuck me, and Shut the hell up. HAHAHA this sounds too mean, but it’s a mean version of putting it.

So in conclusion, men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Enjoy

Anonymous



PS- This post is only meant for fun purposes and it is not meant to offend any women or men. Thank you.

PSS- Stop buying magazines; the question has been answered. =)

Chicktionary

"The problem with women is that they get excited about nothing...and then they marry him."


Here we go again. As promised, here is the Chicktionary. After doing the Dicktionary, I got some emails asking for a little fairness, and here it is.
WARNING: This one is made for the female audience. It is intended to just make you laugh a little and not to offend anyone.

Here are some interesting definitions to everyday words:


Bachelor- A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Compromise- An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own.

Common sense- Something you've always had, but he never will.

Erection- Something you’ll see less of , as the years go by.

Fiancee- Last chance life gives you to realize its not what you expect.

G-spot- Your greatest secret he’ll never find.

Husband- Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouln't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.

Impregnable- A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Joke- What women end up marrying.

Lesbians- The alternative to a world of false promises.

Lie- His version of the truth.

Marriage- The point when you realize that “All the good ones were taken.”

Men- A world of false promises.

Mistress- Something between a mister and a mattress.

Mrs- A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings and no recognition

Orgasm- something you fake when he fails to deliver.

Yawn- An honest opinion openly expressed.

Enjoy

Anonymous

Dicktionary

"I am not young enough to know everything."


YES, the title was done on purpose. I feel in a sharing mood today, so im gonna share some of my knowledge with those who want to learn (im jokinggg).
WARNING: This is intended for the male readers, and it's just a JOKE. Please ladies... do not get offended... its just a little mean comedy.
Here are some everyday words that have some interesting meanings:


Baby- An experience.

Bitch- A girl who sleeps with everyone…but me.

Child Support- When you just won’t learn.

Divorce- Future tense of marriage.

Experience- The name people give to their mistakes.

Father- A banker provided by nature.

Hangover- the wrath of grapes.

House- Something a man loses when he gets divorced.

Housekeeper- Your ex-wife.

Humiliation- The harder you try, the funnier you look.

Husband- The one that didn’t get away.

Paycheck- What you work for and your wife takes.

Sexual Harassment- When the person you’re flirting with... doesn’t like you.

Wife- The only one who fell for it.


ENJOY

Anonymous



Ps- coming soon...The Chicktionary

Diary of a Miami Guy

"You dont know what you have...until you lose it."


I know it is cold everywhere right now... so here are little pieces of a diary. Miami is always hot (with a few exceptions) but what kills Miami is the never ending traffic, the hurricanes, etc. I hope you all enjoy this... Its a little long, but its worth the read.


August 12 ------ Today I moved into my new home in Pennsylvania. How peaceful! Everything is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. I cannot wait until I see them covered in snow. I'm happy to have left behind the heat, the humidity, the traffic, the hurricanes and the Cubans in Miami. THIS is the life!

October 14 ----- Pennsylvania is the most beautiful place I've seen in my life. The leaves have changed through all the shades of red and orange. How wonderful to have all four seasons again. I went for a walk in the woods, and for the first time I saw a deer. They are so agile, so elegant. They are the most beautiful animals I've seen in my life. This is paradise. I hope it will snow soon. THIS IS the life!

November 11 ---- Soon it will be deer hunting season. I cannot imagine anyone who would want to kill one of these creatures. Winter is here. I cannot wait for it to snow! THIS IS THE life!

December 2 ----- Last night it snowed! I woke up and found everything covered in white. It looks like a picture postcard... a movie. I went out to sweep the snow off the steps, and to shovel the walkway. I lay down in the snow, and later we had a snowball fight with the neighbors (I won) and when the snowplow went by I had to shovel again. The snow is so beautiful! It looks like cottonballs piled up everywhere. What a beautiful place. Pennsylvania is the life.

December 12 ---- Last night it snowed again. I love it. The snowplow covered my walkway in snow again, but... what can we do. Anyway, this is the life.

December 19 ---- Last night it snowed again. I couldn't finish shoveling the walkway because before I finished the snowplow went by, so today I couldn't go to work. I'm a little tired of shoveling snow. $%&t snowplow! What a life!

December 22 ---- Last night it snowed again, or better said... white $%&t fell from the sky. My hands are destroyed and full of callouses from the shovel. I think the snowplow watches me from the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling before it goes by. D*&^ M^&*@#$%r!!!

December 25 ---- Merry white Christmas, but really white because everything is covered with white s%^t. G^&&%$^%&*! If I catch the son of a n^&*% that drives that snowplow I swear I'll kill him. I don't understand why they don't put more salt on the road to melt the ice faster!

December 27 ---- Last night even more white s&*t fell from the sky. I've been stuck inside my house for three days! I got outside only when I have to shovel the walkway after the snowplow goes by. I can't go anywhere. My car is buried under a mountain of black snow. The news said that tonight 2ft of snow would fall. I cannot believe it.

December 28 ---- The son of a b*&^% weatherman was wrong again! We didn't get 2ft of snow... we got 6ft of the s*&t. . . . G*& (^&*^ him! If this continues, the snow won't ever melt, not even in the summer. Today the snowplow broke down near here, and the driver came to ask ME for a shovel. I can't believe it! I told him that I had broken six shovels shoveling up the snow that he pushed on my walkway everyday. So I broke THAT shovel over his head.

January 4 ------ Finally today I was able to leave my house. I went to buy food and a d*^% deer walked out in front of my car and I killed it. The repairs for the car will cost $3,000! Those animals should be poisoned. I wish the hunters had killed them ALL last year! Hunting season should be all year round!!

March 15 ------- I fell on the G&^&&*%^&% ice today and broke my leg.

May 3 ---------- When they removed the cast, I took my car to the mechanic. He told me that it was all rusted underneath because of the salt they use to melt the snow. Who thought up such a thing? Isn't there another way to melt the ice?

May 10 --------- I moved back to Miami! THIS IS THE LIFE!!! What pleasure! Heat, humidity, traffic, hurricanes, and cubans. The truth is that anyone who would want to live in Pennsylvania, such a cold and out the way place, is crazy! This is the life!



Enjoy

Anonymous

Regrets

"If my aunt had balls... she'd be my uncle."


Sometimes we regret things that have happened in our life. Sometimes we fill our life with excuses like "If I he wouldn't have left me I ..." or "If my parents hadnt divorced..."
The problem with regreting things is that it pulls negativity into our lives. Regreting things means that we are putting our faults into some event that according to us, shifted our lives.

Why do we regret things? In my opinion, we do it because it serves as an excuse. We love excuses, we love blaming others, and we sure do not accept that we can change things if we try. It is much easier to regret a past event, than to learn the lesson and move on.

In life we win some, and we lose some. If you lose, dont lose the message. We all learn more from losses than wins. Remember that regreting is negative, and accepting is positive. If you feel your life with positive things, you become a positive person...and that attracts better things in the future.

Got it?

Anonymous