Monday, May 25, 2009

Men's Fears

"Keep your fears to yourself, but share your inspiration with others."

Men never talk about this. The problem is that we have always been taught to toughen up. This is a very delicate topic for us because we will never admit to it. Without further due…here are Men’s worst fears:

Going Bald- This sucks. Women have no idea how freaking sad it is to see your hair disappear. Nowadays you see men shaving their heads as if looking like a Q-ball is going to bring back their lost confidence. Shaving your head is a way to say “FUCK IT, I LOST THE BATTLE.” Whenever you see someone with a shaved head, he is not comfortable, he just got tired of combing over his hair from one side to the other.

Being broke- Here is another true one for the records. Being broke sucks, not only because you have to eat 99 cent burgers for lunch, but because you can’t take a girl out in fear that you will look cheap. Broke guys don’t have a social life. No girl wants to go out with a broke ass… they rather stay home. I’m not saying women love money, but it’s sad to see someone ask you out, and you paying. Living with Grandma when you are 40 is just sad.

Unwanted kids- If there is something guys fear is an unwanted kid popping out of the blue. I know I sound like a major Dick right now, but there are some women who get pregnant on purpose. I know what you’re going to say “WEAR A CONDOM!” well here’s my dickish response “CLOSE YOUR LEGS.” Hahaha. I’ve known cases when the guy breaks up the relationship, and mysteriously the girl gets pregnant the next day. After that “Mr. Child support knocks on your door… and it’s all downhill from there.”

Sucking at sex- Women know this one. If it wasn’t that traumatizing to a guy, then women wouldn’t need to fake orgasms. Apparently looking at PORN since you are 14 does not mean you’ll be an ORGASM MACHINE; neither does the fact that your right hand has been your best friend for years. The worst thing is that some men don’t actually read the books and magazines, so they don’t care to educate themselves better. You suck in bed? Date an older woman…Hmmm. This is also the reason why Viagra sells so much, because if nature can’t help you, science will.

Loneliness- Sure men don’t want to commit…YET. Give him a few years, when he gets fat, bald, and overly hairy from the neck down, and has no girlfriend. Scary thought. Men need someone by their side to give them hell (women hahaha). Loneliness makes men uncomfortable and insecure. That’s why you see bald Chewbaka at the club sometimes…drinking by himself and begging for attention.

Cheating wife- This is the mother of all fears. Every time a couple argues, and stops talking; the first question when they get together is “Have you been with anyone?” Trust me, as long as you are not fucking anyone else…he will forgive you. If he doesn’t come back though, is because he found someone else.

That’s it. There is one more, but that one will be on another post by itself.



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