"Keep your fears to yourself, but share your inspiration with others."
Men never talk about this. The problem is that we have always been taught to toughen up. This is a very delicate topic for us because we will never admit to it. Without further due…here are Men’s worst fears:
Going Bald- This sucks. Women have no idea how freaking sad it is to see your hair disappear. Nowadays you see men shaving their heads as if looking like a Q-ball is going to bring back their lost confidence. Shaving your head is a way to say “FUCK IT, I LOST THE BATTLE.” Whenever you see someone with a shaved head, he is not comfortable, he just got tired of combing over his hair from one side to the other.
Being broke- Here is another true one for the records. Being broke sucks, not only because you have to eat 99 cent burgers for lunch, but because you can’t take a girl out in fear that you will look cheap. Broke guys don’t have a social life. No girl wants to go out with a broke ass… they rather stay home. I’m not saying women love money, but it’s sad to see someone ask you out, and you paying. Living with Grandma when you are 40 is just sad.
Unwanted kids- If there is something guys fear is an unwanted kid popping out of the blue. I know I sound like a major Dick right now, but there are some women who get pregnant on purpose. I know what you’re going to say “WEAR A CONDOM!” well here’s my dickish response “CLOSE YOUR LEGS.” Hahaha. I’ve known cases when the guy breaks up the relationship, and mysteriously the girl gets pregnant the next day. After that “Mr. Child support knocks on your door… and it’s all downhill from there.”
Sucking at sex- Women know this one. If it wasn’t that traumatizing to a guy, then women wouldn’t need to fake orgasms. Apparently looking at PORN since you are 14 does not mean you’ll be an ORGASM MACHINE; neither does the fact that your right hand has been your best friend for years. The worst thing is that some men don’t actually read the books and magazines, so they don’t care to educate themselves better. You suck in bed? Date an older woman…Hmmm. This is also the reason why Viagra sells so much, because if nature can’t help you, science will.
Loneliness- Sure men don’t want to commit…YET. Give him a few years, when he gets fat, bald, and overly hairy from the neck down, and has no girlfriend. Scary thought. Men need someone by their side to give them hell (women hahaha). Loneliness makes men uncomfortable and insecure. That’s why you see bald Chewbaka at the club sometimes…drinking by himself and begging for attention.
Cheating wife- This is the mother of all fears. Every time a couple argues, and stops talking; the first question when they get together is “Have you been with anyone?” Trust me, as long as you are not fucking anyone else…he will forgive you. If he doesn’t come back though, is because he found someone else.
That’s it. There is one more, but that one will be on another post by itself.
Enjoy
Anonymous
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
The Blaming Game
“If you don’t succeed in life…blame it on your parents.”
I wrote on my last post about “Kids and society.” It talked about how they keep finding excuses for kid’s behavior nowadays. Here’s a summary… Parents should have more communication with their kids. That’s it.
I got GREAT responses from the readers who began to share their ideas. One reader, whom I consider a friend, wrote about CHOICE and how we choose to do things in life. Well, my friend beat me to it, because I was going to write about that too.
We love to play something I call THE BLAMING GAME. What does that mean? It means that if I succeed in life I thank God for it, but if I fail…I blame you for it.
That is what happens nowadays. We are in a society where everything is someone else’s fault. The fast food companies got sued a while ago because people got fat. The tobacco companies got sued because people were getting lung cancer. Victoria’s secret is going to get sued because she won’t reveal her damn secret. I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story” because IT ENDED. So you see?
Where is the word CHOICE in this? Don’t we choose to do things anymore? If a commercial tells you to go rob a bank, do you do it? If the Cheetah Girls tell you to go adopt some cheetahs, do you go and get your kids cheetahs?
I’m sure that kids watch a lot of TV, they play lots of violent video games, they listen to a lot of Rap and Metal music… but why aren’t parents talking to them?
“I’m a loser because my father is an alcoholic” WHAT IF maybe your father is an alcoholic because you’re a loser? Hahaha.
I think that by the time a child has becomes a teenager, freedom of choice becomes a factor… but CHOICES seem to be common sense sometimes. DRUGS ARE BAD, DRINKING AND DRIVING KILLS, OBEY THE LAW, DON’T GO SHOOTING PEOPLE, DONT BEAT UP YOUR LANDLORD… does it really take a rocket scientist to figure those out?
Is it society’s fault that your kid is a screw up? I’ll give a few personal examples. My dad grew up in a really bad neighborhood. He grew up on something like a Ghetto full of everything your mind only sees on a Hollywood movie. He took himself out of that, and he’s never been a felon. Why??? Because he chose to be a positive example.
Here’s another example. I went to high school in the US. I’ve lived my life here since I was 9 years old. Although I grew up here, had many friends, went to parties, had girlfriends… I’ve never taken drugs, I never smoked a cigarette, and I had my first beer when I was 25. Why? Because I wanted to. My dad taught me to not be a follower.
So why do we find excuses for people’s fuckups? Because it is harder to admit that we look for our own troubles. When I hear about Amsterdam (We‘ve all heard about Amsterdam), I think… what do they do with their lawsuits? Everyone seems to take responsibility over there.
Stop blaming society for people’s poor choices! that’s all. If I killed a hooker (what a bad example)… never mind, you get the point.
Enjoy
Anonymous
I wrote on my last post about “Kids and society.” It talked about how they keep finding excuses for kid’s behavior nowadays. Here’s a summary… Parents should have more communication with their kids. That’s it.
I got GREAT responses from the readers who began to share their ideas. One reader, whom I consider a friend, wrote about CHOICE and how we choose to do things in life. Well, my friend beat me to it, because I was going to write about that too.
We love to play something I call THE BLAMING GAME. What does that mean? It means that if I succeed in life I thank God for it, but if I fail…I blame you for it.
That is what happens nowadays. We are in a society where everything is someone else’s fault. The fast food companies got sued a while ago because people got fat. The tobacco companies got sued because people were getting lung cancer. Victoria’s secret is going to get sued because she won’t reveal her damn secret. I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story” because IT ENDED. So you see?
Where is the word CHOICE in this? Don’t we choose to do things anymore? If a commercial tells you to go rob a bank, do you do it? If the Cheetah Girls tell you to go adopt some cheetahs, do you go and get your kids cheetahs?
I’m sure that kids watch a lot of TV, they play lots of violent video games, they listen to a lot of Rap and Metal music… but why aren’t parents talking to them?
“I’m a loser because my father is an alcoholic” WHAT IF maybe your father is an alcoholic because you’re a loser? Hahaha.
I think that by the time a child has becomes a teenager, freedom of choice becomes a factor… but CHOICES seem to be common sense sometimes. DRUGS ARE BAD, DRINKING AND DRIVING KILLS, OBEY THE LAW, DON’T GO SHOOTING PEOPLE, DONT BEAT UP YOUR LANDLORD… does it really take a rocket scientist to figure those out?
Is it society’s fault that your kid is a screw up? I’ll give a few personal examples. My dad grew up in a really bad neighborhood. He grew up on something like a Ghetto full of everything your mind only sees on a Hollywood movie. He took himself out of that, and he’s never been a felon. Why??? Because he chose to be a positive example.
Here’s another example. I went to high school in the US. I’ve lived my life here since I was 9 years old. Although I grew up here, had many friends, went to parties, had girlfriends… I’ve never taken drugs, I never smoked a cigarette, and I had my first beer when I was 25. Why? Because I wanted to. My dad taught me to not be a follower.
So why do we find excuses for people’s fuckups? Because it is harder to admit that we look for our own troubles. When I hear about Amsterdam (We‘ve all heard about Amsterdam), I think… what do they do with their lawsuits? Everyone seems to take responsibility over there.
Stop blaming society for people’s poor choices! that’s all. If I killed a hooker (what a bad example)… never mind, you get the point.
Enjoy
Anonymous
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Turning 30
"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt."
OH MY GOD I’m 30. Just yesterday I was walking on diapers; just yesterday I was getting pimples all over my face, and today I’m 30. One thing that no one ever mentions, is that you don’t feel OLDER, you just get there. WHERE THE HELL ARE THE BROCHURES THAT SHOW YOU THAT?
Why does it happen so gradual that you don’t feel it? And why does it have to hit you on the face on your freaking BIRTHDAY???
Turning 30 is an interesting experience… people start seeing you different:
Teenagers- See you as an old fart.
People in their 20’s - Think you are mature.
People in their 30’s - Think you’re interesting.
People in their 40’s - Have sex with you and tell their friends they’re doing a “Younger Guy.”
People in their 50's - Still think you are in diapers.
People in their 60's and up - Are wearing diapers, so they don't say anything.
In other words, you are still young enough to be around, but too old to screw around. I find myself in a time of meditation, looking back at all my f**k ups, and looking forward to my now called GOALS. I think that life is broken down into decades. You really party in your 20’s, You make money in your 30’s and you start enjoying in your 40’s.
If by the time you hit middle age, you are still washing Lettuce at Burger King (Then I wonder why people hate me), chances are you won’t be Donald Trump by the time you retire.
This is also the time when you start considering having kids for some mysterious reason (If you still don’t have any). I remember finding kids annoying…then one day, they began to make me smile; so I ran to the bathroom and slapped myself. Now I actually think about it more often… and I still slap myself.
Some people fall into some type of crisis though, thank God I’m not one of those (Yet). I am happy with the way I’ve lived my life, I wish I had done more by now, but I’m happy. I feel like I am accomplishing my goals. I don’t see me buying a Corvette convertible anytime soon, or putting on my Miami Vice outfit and hang out at the club on HIGHSCHOOL NIGHT. YUCK… we all hate the “Old man at the club.”
The only thing about getting older though, is that you don’t get as many presents as you did when you were little. No POKEMON toys for me. Hahaha.
Overall, I think turning 30 is a great time in my life. I take things more seriously, I am more methodical, and I am old enough to party whenever I want, without having to tell mom and dad that I’ll be home late.
So there you go, I’m 30 now, and from now on I’ll turn 30 every year.
ENJOY
Anonymous
PS- I wrote this post on the day I turned 30... just wanted to share it with you guys.
OH MY GOD I’m 30. Just yesterday I was walking on diapers; just yesterday I was getting pimples all over my face, and today I’m 30. One thing that no one ever mentions, is that you don’t feel OLDER, you just get there. WHERE THE HELL ARE THE BROCHURES THAT SHOW YOU THAT?
Why does it happen so gradual that you don’t feel it? And why does it have to hit you on the face on your freaking BIRTHDAY???
Turning 30 is an interesting experience… people start seeing you different:
Teenagers- See you as an old fart.
People in their 20’s - Think you are mature.
People in their 30’s - Think you’re interesting.
People in their 40’s - Have sex with you and tell their friends they’re doing a “Younger Guy.”
People in their 50's - Still think you are in diapers.
People in their 60's and up - Are wearing diapers, so they don't say anything.
In other words, you are still young enough to be around, but too old to screw around. I find myself in a time of meditation, looking back at all my f**k ups, and looking forward to my now called GOALS. I think that life is broken down into decades. You really party in your 20’s, You make money in your 30’s and you start enjoying in your 40’s.
If by the time you hit middle age, you are still washing Lettuce at Burger King (Then I wonder why people hate me), chances are you won’t be Donald Trump by the time you retire.
This is also the time when you start considering having kids for some mysterious reason (If you still don’t have any). I remember finding kids annoying…then one day, they began to make me smile; so I ran to the bathroom and slapped myself. Now I actually think about it more often… and I still slap myself.
Some people fall into some type of crisis though, thank God I’m not one of those (Yet). I am happy with the way I’ve lived my life, I wish I had done more by now, but I’m happy. I feel like I am accomplishing my goals. I don’t see me buying a Corvette convertible anytime soon, or putting on my Miami Vice outfit and hang out at the club on HIGHSCHOOL NIGHT. YUCK… we all hate the “Old man at the club.”
The only thing about getting older though, is that you don’t get as many presents as you did when you were little. No POKEMON toys for me. Hahaha.
Overall, I think turning 30 is a great time in my life. I take things more seriously, I am more methodical, and I am old enough to party whenever I want, without having to tell mom and dad that I’ll be home late.
So there you go, I’m 30 now, and from now on I’ll turn 30 every year.
ENJOY
Anonymous
PS- I wrote this post on the day I turned 30... just wanted to share it with you guys.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Chicktionary
"The problem with women is that they get excited about nothing...and then they marry him."
Here we go again. As promised, here is the Chicktionary. After doing the Dicktionary, I got some emails asking for a little fairness, and here it is.
WARNING: This one is made for the female audience. It is intended to just make you laugh a little and not to offend anyone.
Here are some interesting definitions to everyday words:
Bachelor- A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Compromise- An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own.
Common sense- Something you've always had, but he never will.
Erection- Something you’ll see less of , as the years go by.
Fiancee- Last chance life gives you to realize its not what you expect.
G-spot- Your greatest secret he’ll never find.
Husband- Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouln't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
Impregnable- A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Joke- What women end up marrying.
Lesbians- The alternative to a world of false promises.
Lie- His version of the truth.
Marriage- The point when you realize that “All the good ones were taken.”
Men- A world of false promises.
Mistress- Something between a mister and a mattress.
Mrs- A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings and no recognition
Orgasm- something you fake when he fails to deliver.
Yawn- An honest opinion openly expressed.
Enjoy
Anonymous
Here we go again. As promised, here is the Chicktionary. After doing the Dicktionary, I got some emails asking for a little fairness, and here it is.
WARNING: This one is made for the female audience. It is intended to just make you laugh a little and not to offend anyone.
Here are some interesting definitions to everyday words:
Bachelor- A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Compromise- An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own.
Common sense- Something you've always had, but he never will.
Erection- Something you’ll see less of , as the years go by.
Fiancee- Last chance life gives you to realize its not what you expect.
G-spot- Your greatest secret he’ll never find.
Husband- Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouln't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
Impregnable- A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Joke- What women end up marrying.
Lesbians- The alternative to a world of false promises.
Lie- His version of the truth.
Marriage- The point when you realize that “All the good ones were taken.”
Men- A world of false promises.
Mistress- Something between a mister and a mattress.
Mrs- A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings and no recognition
Orgasm- something you fake when he fails to deliver.
Yawn- An honest opinion openly expressed.
Enjoy
Anonymous
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Dicktionary
"I am not young enough to know everything."
YES, the title was done on purpose. I feel in a sharing mood today, so im gonna share some of my knowledge with those who want to learn (im jokinggg).
WARNING: This is intended for the male readers, and it's just a JOKE. Please ladies... do not get offended... its just a little mean comedy.
Here are some everyday words that have some interesting meanings:
Baby- An experience.
Bitch- A girl who sleeps with everyone…but me.
Child Support- When you just won’t learn.
Divorce- Future tense of marriage.
Experience- The name people give to their mistakes.
Father- A banker provided by nature.
Hangover- the wrath of grapes.
House- Something a man loses when he gets divorced.
Housekeeper- Your ex-wife.
Humiliation- The harder you try, the funnier you look.
Husband- The one that didn’t get away.
Paycheck- What you work for and your wife takes.
Sexual Harassment- When the person you’re flirting with... doesn’t like you.
Wife- The only one who fell for it.
ENJOY
Anonymous
Ps- coming soon...The Chicktionary
YES, the title was done on purpose. I feel in a sharing mood today, so im gonna share some of my knowledge with those who want to learn (im jokinggg).
WARNING: This is intended for the male readers, and it's just a JOKE. Please ladies... do not get offended... its just a little mean comedy.
Here are some everyday words that have some interesting meanings:
Baby- An experience.
Bitch- A girl who sleeps with everyone…but me.
Child Support- When you just won’t learn.
Divorce- Future tense of marriage.
Experience- The name people give to their mistakes.
Father- A banker provided by nature.
Hangover- the wrath of grapes.
House- Something a man loses when he gets divorced.
Housekeeper- Your ex-wife.
Humiliation- The harder you try, the funnier you look.
Husband- The one that didn’t get away.
Paycheck- What you work for and your wife takes.
Sexual Harassment- When the person you’re flirting with... doesn’t like you.
Wife- The only one who fell for it.
ENJOY
Anonymous
Ps- coming soon...The Chicktionary
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Religion in a nutshell
"My country is the world, and my religion is to do good."
Back to the Religion topic! Please do not feel offended, this is not meant to offend anyone but just to make you laugh a little. If you still get sad and offended, then may God make you happy. =)
A short guide to comparative religions:
TAOISM- Shit happens.
BUDDHISM- If shit happens, it's not really shit.
ISLAM- If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
PROTESTANTISM- Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
JUDAISM- Why does this shit always happen to us?
HINDUISM- This shit happened before.
CATHOLICISM- Shit happens because you're bad.
HARE KRISHNA- Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. EVANGELISM- Send more shit.
ATHEISM- No shit.
JEHOVA'S WITNESS- Knock knock, shit happens.
NEDONISM- There's nothing like a good shit happening.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE- Shit happens in your mind.
AGNOSTICISM- Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
EXISTENTIALISM- What is this shit anyway?
STOICISM- This shit doesn't bother me.
RASTAFARIANISM- Let's smoke this shit.
With that said and done, I must say again that I respect everyone's opinion and everyone's religion even though they might not be the same as mine. It would be so nice if everyone in the world would ligthen up a little and be more united... but until then.
Enjoy
Anonymous
PS- I do not take credit for that joke, its an old one and I just put it here to make you guys smile a little.
Back to the Religion topic! Please do not feel offended, this is not meant to offend anyone but just to make you laugh a little. If you still get sad and offended, then may God make you happy. =)
A short guide to comparative religions:
TAOISM- Shit happens.
BUDDHISM- If shit happens, it's not really shit.
ISLAM- If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
PROTESTANTISM- Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
JUDAISM- Why does this shit always happen to us?
HINDUISM- This shit happened before.
CATHOLICISM- Shit happens because you're bad.
HARE KRISHNA- Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. EVANGELISM- Send more shit.
ATHEISM- No shit.
JEHOVA'S WITNESS- Knock knock, shit happens.
NEDONISM- There's nothing like a good shit happening.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE- Shit happens in your mind.
AGNOSTICISM- Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
EXISTENTIALISM- What is this shit anyway?
STOICISM- This shit doesn't bother me.
RASTAFARIANISM- Let's smoke this shit.
With that said and done, I must say again that I respect everyone's opinion and everyone's religion even though they might not be the same as mine. It would be so nice if everyone in the world would ligthen up a little and be more united... but until then.
Enjoy
Anonymous
PS- I do not take credit for that joke, its an old one and I just put it here to make you guys smile a little.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Life
"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood."
No!!! Im not going to write about the meaning of life (I wish I knew). After watching the movie "The curious life of Benjamin Button" I couldn't help to realize how life is such a wonderful thing. I also remembered the great Comedian George Carlin, who had made a similar joke many years ago. What Im going to leave you guys with is something funny, the way life should be. Once again, this was said by George Carlin...may he rest in peace. I hope it brings a smile to your faces:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating . . .
Then finish off as an orgasm!!!
Hope you liked it,
Anonymous
No!!! Im not going to write about the meaning of life (I wish I knew). After watching the movie "The curious life of Benjamin Button" I couldn't help to realize how life is such a wonderful thing. I also remembered the great Comedian George Carlin, who had made a similar joke many years ago. What Im going to leave you guys with is something funny, the way life should be. Once again, this was said by George Carlin...may he rest in peace. I hope it brings a smile to your faces:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating . . .
Then finish off as an orgasm!!!
Hope you liked it,
Anonymous
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